No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
