we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
