How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
