Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
