I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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