he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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