I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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