I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
