you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
