i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
