Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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