Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
