I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
