3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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