well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
