At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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