Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
