We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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