The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
