You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
