Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
