I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
