I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
