Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
