i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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