i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
