Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
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