i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
