just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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