ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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