I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
