Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
