I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
