he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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