Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
