DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
