you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
