somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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