I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
