There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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