I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
