your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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