so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
We are all done wearing pants today
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
