Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
