i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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