Your dad touched me again.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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