We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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