I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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