i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
