Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
