bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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