Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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