I CAN MOONWALK!
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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